Sonikku. Kelly. Old Friend. I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I can never understand the challenge of being born in the wrong body. I can relate in similar ways in mental health. You don't get people and they don't get you. You feel alone and isolated. I also have a close relationship with my mom. We are basically war buddies on top of being mother and son. I have no idea what I would do when she does pass which could be any day now. We both have struggled with poverty all our lives. We both have been to the point we wanted to end it all and both have spent time in a mental ward. I will say I did get help and you are struggling to find the proper help. I made a video when I still ran a YT channel about suicide after Jew Wario killed himself. Boogie2988 also had struggles with it. It gets to a point you don't know any other kind of feeling and it becomes status quo.
The thing is. While it can be impossible to see now. Things can get better. No not every problem will be solved. You might always struggle with money. I still do. You can make it work. I do get frustrated not having more as even simple things like buying a mop is a huge decision. Then I realize in 2017 as a person in poverty I live better than Kings a hundred years ago with all the modern conveniences we have. Take it from someone just 6 years ago on these very forums wanting to die. Do not curse yourself for you gender. I don't curse myself for having a bad heart or having 3 serious mental issues. It's a daily struggle. It's frustrating. It makes me mad sometimes. You know what else? I would not give them up. They helped lead my sense of humor,my great creative side. Made me stronger...even in times I don't want to be strong. That part of you is difficult and a challenge. It's also led to you being different and offering something different. That's not a bad thing. It took a lot of looking and a lot of asking questions not getting answered within myself and to the world but when I looked long enough I found some. Not all of them but enough. I am a happier person. I still have my personality for better or worse. I still have a long way to go. We need to help you find the right path for your journey. A 1000 mile journey begins with a single step. I am 7 years into mine and maybe only 30 miles in. :P
I'm going to quote something I wrote a couple weeks ago to another member.
An elderly Choctaw Native was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them. "A fight is going on inside me...it is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear,anger,envy,sorry,regret,greed,arrogance,self pity,resentment,inferiority,lies,false pride,superiority and ego. The other wolf stands for joy,love,hope,sharing,serenity,humility,kindness,benevolence,friendship,empathy,generosity,truth,compassion and faith.
This fight is going on inside you, and every other person too"
The children thought for a minute and one child asked his grandfather "which one will win?"
The old Choctawsimply replied..."The one you feed."
Sonikku I say this as a friend and as someone who was in a similar spot. It won't be easy. It may get worse before it gets better but it does get better.