Sorry for the bump. I got professional help. I found myself and worked to be better and still am. Changed my attitude. Stopped being angry,became more mellow. I snapped at little things and had control issues.If you feel you're in a place that brings out the worst in you than take a break or leave all together. Find something positive to get aggression out in the meantime.

Nintendo Switch
Mario Kart 8
Binding of Isaac on switch
tom nook and mabel amiibos
stardew valley collectors edition physical for ps4
ffxv on ps4 which I 100% regret I cant stand the combat at all

Grades just came in and I've officially graduated college. Took me longer than Tommy Boy but I don't care.

I'm only going to offer a few words as I don't know you well, but they are honest and I want you to take them seriously.

First of all, legit kudos for having the courage to share your story. I know you felt like you had nothing left to lose, but it can't have been easy putting it all in black and white. Or even black and pink.

I just want to pick up on a couple of comments in particular:

And despite my best efforts, I have been as yet unable to suppress my anxiety and project confidence enough to persuade a single employer that there is a single thing about me that is valuable.

Being overlooked for a job, no matter how many times, certainly does not mean there isn't a single thing about you that is valuable. For all you know, you might have been a close second in almost every application, and what swung it away from your favor could be something trivial, and something different each time. Every recruiter has their own quirky wishlist that makes them tick, and they're not always qualities you'd even be proud to have.

Distractions from my woes in all things Nintendo coupled with living in a fantasy world in World of Warcraft and other games is as sorry an existence as any I can imagine

Do you feel true to yourself when you say this? Do you personally believe that indulging in things that bring you comfort and joy (comfort and joy) is a sorry existence, or are you deferring to societal norms? If it's any more acceptable for people to lose themselves in sports or music or their pets, it's only because artificial constructs tell them so. If you're ever going to learn to love yourself, you'll need to stop apologizing for the things that make you happy. You're occupying your mind and not harming anyone.

That's all I've got right now. It's no quick fix but I think if you take these two points on board it may make the gradual process of turning this ship around - which I believe you have the strength to do - a little less daunting. The world would be a poorer place without you in it, so please don't rob us all of your unique perspective.

It's a hard thread to respond to, but I'll try anyway, and trying to keep a pragmatist approach.

You seem quite a clever person that can acquire some of the skils that are needed in the developing world. Trying to apply to some writing editorials, even for free, might be a start. While what you wrote feels like purely raw emotion, I think it's a quite engaging reading and you it's something most people don't have (really, I've known various writers). Maybe in your spare time trying to work on some portfolio and trying to make creative stuff to sublimate your anger might be better than just keeping it to yourself.

Also you seem to have a knack for tech, there are a lot of free resources to learn (and your best bet is trying to rely on your creations), you never know what can happen to that (specially in tech, that it's quite an achievement industry). Might seem like running in circles, but at least having certain projects in mind, and pushing anger towards other things beside yourself can be gratifying, and at the end you'll at least have something built.

And really sometimes you just need a lucky hit, if you keep trying there's a chance that one of those seeds will grow. It's hard as fuck, specially when you're on a spiraling mindset, and everyway you rationalize it leads you further the downstairs, and every time you try to walk seems like the glass is just ready to shatter, but it's the only way actually trying to stop it as far as I see it. Some people just need to catch a fucking break, I don't know why (maybe because your writing moved me), but I really think you will get at least one good shot at something.

I really can't relate to your problems, I feel totally the other way around, that even while I wasn't never "bad" to anyone I just prefer to push people away, I had a lot of chances and I wasted them, and to me it's amazing that people actually care enough for your well being. THB there were LOTS of nights that I hoped I would not wake up, and the only thing that kept me from doing anything rash was thinking that it's my only chance and trying to make it better will always be a better outcome than cutting it short.

Sonikku. Kelly. Old Friend. I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I can never understand the challenge of being born in the wrong body. I can relate in similar ways in mental health. You don't get people and they don't get you. You feel alone and isolated. I also have a close relationship with my mom. We are basically war buddies on top of being mother and son. I have no idea what I would do when she does pass which could be any day now. We both have struggled with poverty all our lives. We both have been to the point we wanted to end it all and both have spent time in a mental ward. I will say I did get help and you are struggling to find the proper help. I made a video when I still ran a YT channel about suicide after Jew Wario killed himself. Boogie2988 also had struggles with it. It gets to a point you don't know any other kind of feeling and it becomes status quo.

The thing is. While it can be impossible to see now. Things can get better. No not every problem will be solved. You might always struggle with money. I still do. You can make it work. I do get frustrated not having more as even simple things like buying a mop is a huge decision. Then I realize in 2017 as a person in poverty I live better than Kings a hundred years ago with all the modern conveniences we have. Take it from someone just 6 years ago on these very forums wanting to die. Do not curse yourself for you gender. I don't curse myself for having a bad heart or having 3 serious mental issues. It's a daily struggle. It's frustrating. It makes me mad sometimes. You know what else? I would not give them up. They helped lead my sense of humor,my great creative side. Made me stronger...even in times I don't want to be strong. That part of you is difficult and a challenge. It's also led to you being different and offering something different. That's not a bad thing. It took a lot of looking and a lot of asking questions not getting answered within myself and to the world but when I looked long enough I found some. Not all of them but enough. I am a happier person. I still have my personality for better or worse. I still have a long way to go. We need to help you find the right path for your journey. A 1000 mile journey begins with a single step. I am 7 years into mine and maybe only 30 miles in. :P


I'm going to quote something I wrote a couple weeks ago to another member.

An elderly Choctaw Native was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them. "A fight is going on inside me...it is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear,anger,envy,sorry,regret,greed,arrogance,self pity,resentment,inferiority,lies,false pride,superiority and ego. The other wolf stands for joy,love,hope,sharing,serenity,humility,kindness,benevolence,friendship,empathy,generosity,truth,compassion and faith.
This fight is going on inside you, and every other person too"
The children thought for a minute and one child asked his grandfather "which one will win?"
The old Choctawsimply replied..."The one you feed."

Sonikku I say this as a friend and as someone who was in a similar spot. It won't be easy. It may get worse before it gets better but it does get better.

I'm not a long time member like many of you, but thanks for sharing your story. Continuing on living solely for the sake of a loved one is not bad at all if you ask me. I certainly did that for a period, but like anything else in this life it was only a phase. if you live long enough, you will eventually find a more firm reason, joyful purpose to continue to do so.

I grew up in a place where I ve watched a childhood friend shot dead in the back over an argument and another acquainted killed on the spot by a thief simply because he refused to hand over his cellphone. I know it's not the same thing with what you are going through, but what I mean is that eventually I managed to move out from such places and on with my life. So will you, and we all here want to hear that triumph story of yours. Be well until then.

Damn Sonikku. Hope you are ok!

I wish I had some words of wisdom to help, Sonikku, but all I can say from the bottom of my heart is that there are many people here including myself that care for and about you, and we will do everything we can to support you.

If you're comfortable with it, have you considered a Gofundme page or something similar to help raise the $1,800 for the medical transcription course?

As someone above pointed out this is a hard thread to reply to, I definitely understand how you've come to think in the terms you have, life is hard enough, eking out a living is hard enough, living in a body you don't indentify with... I can't even imagine how difficult that is.

I am not qualified to give you any advice, I just wanted to reply saying how I'm glad you were stopped and that I really hope things improve for you. Ash has suggested some crowd funding, I know you may be uncomfortable with the idea but I think you should give your consent, I would gladly donate.

Being overlooked for a job, no matter how many times, certainly does not mean there isn't a single thing about you that is valuable.
This is one part of the post I can definitely relate to, my first job was waiting tables and I was let go after a couple of weeks, I then struggled to find another job for years. Looking back I see things the way you do but at the time it made me feel worthless and ashamed. I remember thinking I would never get a good job if I couldn't even cut it as waiter, it's very flawed reasoning but it really dented my confidence and kept me trapped in a vicious cycle for a long time when it came to job interviews.

I'm so sorry to hear your story (I read every last word). I can't give a long speech that will inspire you, depression is no joke, especially not coupled with anxiety and being unemployed only makes your predicament harder on top, I know since I've been there myself (and working soul sucking jobs with no positive future in sight). I won't say the usual spiel of "things will get better right away" and that others have been in similar circumstances or some such, since some times we need a reality check. I went through a very bad spot myself for a few years of having no friends, no relationship/lonely, crappy jobs with terrible pay, no purpose, no life. Basically at an all time low, cynical and hated everything. The sense of alienation was overwhelming, eventually developing into complete social anxiety and being a shut in. This only came to pass once I changed careers and took some chances that thankfully paid off for me (admittedly through sheer luck) and taking the initiative and making new friends (which was basically joining clubs, going to music events, rejoining Facebook (and reconnecting with old friends on there) and inviting online friends that I had met on forums out). Sometimes making changes in your life pays dividends, but it wasn't like I didn't get some setbacks when I tried those things I just mentioned and didn't work out which got me down even more but I felt the need to keep trying until I got somewhere to improve my social life. It was a long journey though and I think you can do it, believe in yourself again. You can do it. Get that job, make those changes in your life that you want. Even if you think you can't, just do it anyway. You've been trying to for this long, there's nothing to lose. Your mother clearly cares for you and loves you a lot.

I've lost too many friends to suicide, illness, incidents and freak accidents these past few years. Far too many. It's really up to the rest of us to say that you matter, since you do. Be strong as you have been these past four and half years, I know we've never met in person yet and don't know each other that well but you are considered a friend of mine that I would be sad to lose. I'll reinstate it: you can do it. You're a strong person and will always be a strong person, you're not weak. Stay safe, Sonikku and all the best to you. :nice!:

Sonikku, you've been a good friend to me and I know to so many other people. Thank Christ for Blizzard. Don't ever ever ever lose hope again, and don't feel embarrassed -- everyone needs help at some point. I have. Life is brutal, but I know it's worth it. Around this time last month I was going to write a long PM hello to you via the Dojo because I hadn't talked to you in a while, but I put off finishing it. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, but when you were at your darkest, there were definitely people all over the world who care about you. I want to talk later.

Hey Katie, I know we haven't talked in quite a while but I'm always here if you need to talk. You're my friend and I really hope you feel better!

Sonikku, I sent you a PM. Hope you feel better soon!

Had Blizzard not intervened that day I would of been very upset and sad. You are among a few in this community who's into similar interests as me in like TV/PC tech, video games, and anime. If I recall correctly we both purchased the same model Infocus X1 projector years ago and that's because we saw eye to eye in such topics. Remember you unselfishly gave away your signed game of Shenmue to LanDC because we both agreed he did a lot for the community. I'm ashamed to say I had long forgotten about your generosity during the early days of the dojo. This is why without no hesitation I gave you a very unique Shenmue vinyl signed twice by Yu Suzuki.

There was also that time when I recommended that strange movie called "Ricki-oh" which we both thought was hilariously cheesy. You told me that you showcased it to fellow students at the college you were attending. I was actually elated to find out others felt the same way as we did for the film. I'm sure many members here have had similar memories like this with you. If a website like Gofundme can help your current situation I'm 100% all for it.

I can completely relate to your feelings of depression and suicide. I can only imagine how tough it must be to feel like you were born in the wrong body, but I can totally empathize with your feelings of isolation and no sense of belonging. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss professional help because they cannot relate to your individual problems. I have met way too many people who ended their lives after rejecting treatment because they felt that no one could understand them. That is exactly what they are trained to do, to help people who feel that they are not normal. Hell, maybe they even help fast-track gender reassignment surgery considering that is valid treatment for someone who is experiencing the feelings you described in your post.

I wish I could say more, but I was never good at these type of things. Just want to know that I do care and seriously do hope that you find a way towards happiness. It is pretty hard to find your way in life when it feels like you are the only one walking that path, but I do encourage you to stay in there. I'm still trying to figure out if things will ever get better, but things sure as hell can't get better if you are dead.

Got married over the weekend in Vegas in a rocky horror picture show ceremony. I can now officially say my wife and I were married by a fictional alien transvestite in fish net stockings. It's gonna be one hell of an ice breaker for the rest of my life.

That's a brutally honest post. The body issue must be very tough on top of the rest. Or rather intertwined. It takes a lot of courage to write that. Now, I won't try to give "advice" since I'm not that good at it and I know that it can come across as cliche which isn't very helpful in the end. Especially when the one giving advice is partly similar. In my case, a lot didn't go as planned either. Some of it bad luck or not getting breaks despite trying. Then you see a friend who rolls into the next good thing without trying. Now, I was always more on the somber side but these events made it worse. To the point where such thoughts arise almost daily certain periods. For example, when Shenmue 3 got announced I wrote that I now was forced to stick around longer ;) I was only half joking actually. But I kind of learned to live with it. Medication didn't help (probably too ingrained in my character) and when I chatted with a volunteer, he got depressed himself when I mentioned harsh realities of life :P So it seemed better to promise myself not to go too far because of others, accept the thoughts and "let them flow". Though sometimes things feel "crushing" but I try to ignore it. Maybe that's some unintended advice anyway?

By the way, I remember that there was a thread about depression before and it surprised me how many people reacted there. Some I didn't expect it from at all. I think that I mentioned that it seems to be more common than people think.

We don't know each other, but just reading your well written post suggests that you are an intelligent individual who must be good at something and able to contribute to employers. I can't even begin to relate to the isolation and anxiety you are experiencing. All I have to offer is an assurance that you aren't worthless. Stay determined and find those first steps towards the life you desire.

Woah, that's pretty mint. A video game company gave a shit, the police gave a shit, the people at the mental home gave a shit... I've got no nice words when it comes to suicide, lost a number of people through it, but that is a genuinely top thing that happened.

Obviously it's shite what you're goin through and there's fuck all I can say that'll make you turn round and go "Y'know what, life is amazing, in't it?" but just think about that chain... the number of people involved in makin sure you didn't go through with it. You weren't some suit stood on a bridge, a bell end with a gun to his head in a public place, some little emo git with a blade to his wrist in front of the bird who just broke up with him... it's just pretty amazing, and in a strange way one of the nicest things I've heard in ages.

Hope you get your head sorted though and find the hope n happiness you're lookin for.

Sonikku,

I sincerely hope you do well and remember that people will always be there to support you. I've been a member here for years and even though I haven't spoken to you in depth by any means, I have​ always enjoyed your posts as has everyone else. That alone makes you valuable. You life, while hard and filled with challenges, is worth living. Also, don't be afraid to keep asking for help. It sounds like you've been trying to get work in the medical field perhaps. If so, please PM me. I'm an engineer at Johnson and Johnson and while I cannot guarantee you a job as I'm not a manager, I can keep an eye out for opportunities and put your name in for internal referrals across all of J&J. No pressure though. Do what makes you happy.

Take care and please please please get better. At the very least, PM me your address. I'll order you a pizza. Noone can be sad eating a pizza. :)

I can't identify with your specific experience, but as someone who has hit bottom with alcohol related issues and ended up with nothing left materially and emotionally, and hearing from countless other people's experiences with chronic malaise, it's pretty much how Bluecast put it. Finding out areas in my life where I'm feeding that first wolf, so to speak, the resentments, fears, and anger,the need to satisfy the ego, and having a real dialogue with myself and others about these things, begins to make them start to fade. I can't say everything gets euphoric and amazing, but shit gets better for sure, and the world starts to open up again. I hope you find your place in the world, it's waiting for you somewhere.

I was just expecting an amusing confession about an addition to Overwatch, after reading the post title. I’m sorry life has been unfair to you, I can relate somewhat. The last few years in college where pretty brutal at times, especially while trying to work part time. I still remember I had a complete anxiety attack before the exams, crying and convulsive shaking in bed, etc. Luckily, I had great support from my family, and was able to get through it (taking L-theanine helped too). My thoughts and prayers to you, may you find peace and purpose in your life.

I guess this place changed last few years. It's the reverse of what it used to be. Dead in Shenmue forums active elsewhere back then but no longer the case. It totally makes sense the Shenmue ones are white hot and they should be. Granted only been active again for a month and in a way I feel like a new member but not seen an real drama in that time and hopefully finally that is one tradition that stopped.

If I'm wrong then it's because I am just unaware of stuff while I was gone but not looking to find out either. I'm still regretful about him when I post but nothing I can do now but just be who I am now. I like posting on SD again. No addiction to it anymore. Sorry just a ramble but is random thoughts. Nice to see SD still around and a new game to talk about.

There is no Ryudo only Zool..erm I mean Blue.
It's best Ryudo never shows up again.

holosuites and orion slave girls is all I want god damn it!

Honestly, why is it so hard for anyone to do anything interesting with Sonic anymore?

In my humble opinion, it is because 23 years ago Sega decided to abandon ABC's Sonic the Hedgehog TV series continuity. I know there are comics. I mean, it should've become the official story of the games. I adored Sonic Adventure 1 in 1999, but that's where my patience ended. I've never been interested in anything but the story of the Knothole Freedom Fighters, the fate of the planet Mobius, and the resolution of that epic Season 2 cliffhanger. When I think 'Sonic', I think Uncle Chuck, Princess Sally, and Dr. Robotnik (not "Eggman"). When I was a kid playing Sonics 1-3 throughout the '90s on my Genesis, I was pretending to be in that cartoon. I still do.

Because Sega let its fanboys like me down hard, we never got a Sonic the Freedom Fighter RPG, never got subtle moralistic commentaries about the cost of ambition, the over-mechanization of society, and the value of nature and freedom. Do new Sonic games even try to show Sonic liberating flowers and animals from robots anymore? Sonic used to have a strong visual point that taught kids a little about life and made the player feel optimistic. It was 1991's optimistic green cyberpunk, a hitherto unique genre, and I can't think of any similar example since.

And bring back Jaleel White!

People on Splatoon 2 are great. Someone really hand drew this. Just saw and snapped this. (marina is a character in the game)

Happy Birthday Sonniku! Hope you have a nice, chillaxing day! Just sit back, have some green tea with a cheeky side of sparkling water and some nice quinoa dark chocolate cake and sliced cucumbers with cottage cheese on top (with an order of pineapples on pizza order from Mario on the way) complimenting a laid back playthrough of knuckles levels in sonic adventure 2 (okay that last bit was in jest). But seriously keep friends and those you love close to you! [emoji106] https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170726/e9dac3d9eb5a3f226f0a59d5a52afb28.jpg

Sent from my LG-H815 using Tapatalk

So I am about to drop a giant fucking bomb.

I don't even know that it would make you feel better or not.

I don't care if it makes me gay. But in fact I don't think it does.

I like trans women and would marry one regardless of if they had the surgery or not. I don't care.

You didn't chose what body you were put in. I still feel as if it is a woman who loves me back if I were to be with one.

This post is over simplified probably.

The bottom line is....... your one of the reasons I came back here. I sympathize with you. And I would want to be with you as I would with any other woman.

Rez Infinite came out for PC, so naturally I've ordered a Rift + Touch. Away this weekend so will be picking it up on Monday

http://i.imgur.com/wwotd69.jpg

MVCUK recently got in touch with SEGA Europe's vice president John Clark and specifically asked about Shenmue. Here's what he said:

"It’s something we would love to make happen, something we are trying to make happen," Clark says. "I think we want it to happen as much as anybody out there. Yes, it’s a serious task and it’s not a task that we’re not working on, if that makes sense. It’s something we’re actively pursuing."

Sonic Mania launches next week. Sega just uploaded the complete animated intro for Sonic Mania on their YouTube page:



So beautiful...

Bit of an update. :) Going to New York City for the first time in my life tomorrow for a consultation with Dr Jess Ting for SRS. I'm feeling equal parts excitement and anxiousness right now, tempered by caution on account of the countless seemingly promising opportunities to move forward with transition that have always ended up falling through up to this point.

Good luck! Also enjoy some good food while you're there. :P

It's been a fair while since I've been around this forum much, so you may not remember me, Sonikku. But I just want to say that you are one member of the Dojo that really left an impression on me, a very positive one. Quite a few of your posts back in the day (well, a few years ago maybe?) genuinely moved me greatly, for example your story of your first love which you experienced through World of Warcraft. But more than that, many of the things you posted relating to your outlook on life really resonated with me, and have honestly stuck with me to this day. And you've always come across as an incredibly kind individual, which is a rare thing indeed. I really, honestly, cannot express to you just how much value I believe you possess.

But I do understand it, how this world can make gentle souls who don't toe the line feel worthless and on the fringes. I've seen so many of the greatest people I know go through extra struggles due to not cowing to the bullshit of society, but you can make it through, things do get better. And I agree with all of what Bluecast said (hey Bluecast, glad to hear you're doing alright :)).

I can even relate a little to your dissatisfaction with your body. I've been struggling with Body Dysmorphia for a long time, and actually, a lot of my dissatisfaction does stem from my belief that my face has an excess of 'manliness', which I detest and can't tally to my personality. I know it's different to what you've been going through, but I really can relate to the feeling of not being able to identify with your own body and how hard that is.

Also want to agree with LGS, Online games and Nintendo are brilliant hobbies! Many of the most incredible people I know have the very same passions as you! They should not be a source of shame. My main way to spend free time, is to go to cafes alone and write embarrassingly bad poetry (some of which I used to post on the old TeamYu forum, so LGS can attest to the crappiness of them). I sometimes think it's a bit of a lame way to spend me time, and worry the cafe staff think I'm some sad weirdo, and the bible thick wad of various coffee shop stamp cards I carry next to my heart like a bible is one of my greatest shames. But then I think, at least I'm not fox hunting or dogging.

And Bluecast is so right, you're struggles have given you such a precious insight that others won't ever have, not unless people like you can enlighten them. I feel my own struggles have given me a certain sense of humour and enabled me to have created things I couldn't ever have without having gone through all that stuff.

So please, don't let unemployment discourage you (I'm going on 28 years unemployed myself! Honestly! haha, can I reach 30 without ever having worked? it's getting hard...) all that stuff is bullshit. And I'm sure if you keep striving you'll be able to get the surgery you want eventually, you're still young!

So please, don't rob the world of your special self :)

So I randomly woke up at 3am and decided to log back in.

Just arrived this afternoon.

Lost my old PAL Saturn several years ago, which I have very fond memories of, so decided to order a new one. Opted for a Japanese model this time, for the wider game library.

Axm wrote:

csmakio wrote: When was the last time Andy stopped by?

My dear csmakio, he's always been here. He's in you, me, everyone.

I feel violated