Blizzard has Sonikku committed

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Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Sonikku » Sat Jun 03, 2017 10:08 pm

I've been back for about two weeks, though I was not ready to really talk about it until now. ..Partly due to embarrassment. But, my doctor tells me that I should reach out to family and friends instead of keeping it a secret, to stop always concealing and internalizing my thoughts. And for better or for worse, I consider many of you here at the Dojo my friends. :p So here it is. Wall of text incoming. If not interested, hit your back button and turn back now!

But in any case, I spent a week confined to the mental ward at the hospital for having a plan to end my life.

I had thought about it for a very long time. I just never got as far as making a plan and setting a day. But a few weeks ago I was in a very dark place and instead of reaching out for help, I calmly rationalized it and accepted it to the point where I was comfortable with the thought of suicide. I rejected a supremely generous offer from an online friend that would have gained me a sorely needed processor upgrade for the gaming pc I have always been very passionate about, but have otherwise struggled to maintain outside of my mid range gpu I saved and saved up for after squeezing five years of life out of my 7770. But because I sensed the end was near and his generosity would be a wasted gesture, I brazenly declined. I Ignored inquiries from people I know that had asked me if I was ok when I knew I wasn't. What could I say? That I had marked on the calendar the final day of my life?

I have been in pain for a very long time. I endlessly curse my fate for being transgender. I sorely wish every day that I could simply flip a switch in my head that could cure my dysphoria for the sex I was born into. But I can't. And it hurts so... much... every... single... day... Every single day, going outside and living a lie. Sorely do I wish I could just be myself. But in the support group I go to, all the transwomen that have gone full time without surgeries endure endless scorn, sadistic mocking and constant ridicule. I am honestly terrified. I am constantly gripped in fear and anxiety and it has finally reached the point of being positively suffocating. It is clear to me that I will never be able to live life as myself while being safe unless I can complete my transition with the surgeries that as of yet have continued to elude me.

My insurance on paper covers sexual reassignment surgery. But for all practical purposes, it does not. Only a dozen doctors exist in all of America that can even perform the surgery, and the number that accepts medicaid is very small indeed. I don't own my own car and cannot commute back and forth across the country, much less finance a move. I have been chronically unemployed for four and a half years. I apply constantly. Sometimes I even get an interview. But every time I am rejected. For four and a half years I have been rejected. My first year I told myself I just had not found the right fit yet. The second, I consoled myself with the knowledge that it's an economically depressed area. The third year I was overwhelmingly depressed, but pushed myself forward with the thought that the next one I try could be the one that finally pans out.

But then year three passed. Then year four. I'm now at four and a half years and my confidence is beyond shot. I can no longer chalk up my failures to outside sources. I am forced to conclude that the issue is me. And despite my best efforts, I have been as yet unable to suppress my anxiety and project confidence enough to persuade a single employer that there is a single thing about me that is valuable. There is something seriously wrong with me and I cannot shrug off my worthlessness any longer. It really says something when not even fast food will touch you. And honestly, even if they did, at minimum wage my transition would still basically be permanently stunted with no hope for a better future. Never mind gainful employment, I have been trying just to get on my feet in a positively degrading and thankless low paying job. And I still failed.

I am so tired. I need to advance my transition. But I lack the resources to realize it. At every turn my efforts to build resources have hit a stone wall. My last resort was the realization that my only path out of poverty and by extension the sole method of realizing my goals was to gain a skill set actually worth something. In an age of automation, I resolved to try to get into the healthcare industry. I looked into medical transcription. The course costs $1800 which isn't a lot of money to most, but may as well be a king's ransom to someone living on $540 a month. Being a non credit certification course, it did not qualify for financial aid. I went to DSS and asked if they could aid with paying for the course. I told them that it's crazy for them to continue to pay me to survive when I want skills that can get me off the system, nay, pay taxes and help to keep the system sustainable that has kept me alive. But that request too was rejected.

I looked into LPN classes at the local BOCES. That too was another dead end. Then I went for broke and applied to college to become a RN. While I was accepted into the college, I was not accepted into the nursing program. If I had, I could have received grants enough to pay my way. Never the less, I had high hopes that the promise of the new Excelsior program passed by our governor here in NY State could help me for the first year as a math/science major that I needed to complete before I can apply to the nursing program. But it did not. The fine print was long and damning. To my colossal disappoint, I did not qualify. My hopes of going to college had been derailed.

My caseworker suggested I look into a CNA program, that while it starts at minimum wage, in time it can lead to something more, like a paid trip through college. I applied, interviewed and got a rejection email two days later. The first year, I would have taken it in stride. At this point however I had had it. I tire of the endless rejection. I tire of living a lie. I tire of having no hope off in the distance I can look towards as incentive to continue trudging through the swamp inbetween. I tire of the fear, the anxiety and dysphoria. I am just so desperate and so exhausted. What in blazes is even the point of continuing this farce?

My only respite has been all things gaming and tech. I struggle so much with living a lie in the outside world that in a bitter twist of irony, I find relief in truly being myself on the internet and in online games like World of Warcraft. It is truly degrading to realize one day that the person you are in a fantasy world is a truer part of yourself than anything being projected in the real world. I can't live like this. Distractions from my woes in all things Nintendo coupled with living in a fantasy world in World of Warcraft and other games is as sorry an existence as any I can imagine and I can take it no longer. My every attempt to break the cycle ended in failure, the rejection and self loathing having reached a boiling point, the blatant lack of hope for a better future at hand, I resolved to get my affairs in order and exit my tenth floor apartment through the window.

I had picked May 10th as the day it would be done. The seventh anniversary to the day that I had told the love of my life whom I had shared a relationship with in WoW (feel free to laugh, it's awfully sad) that I had lied to him about being female and believed I might be transgender. The seventh anniversary to the day that my whole world crashed in all around me, forcing me to go through great internal personal reflection and thought. That was the day I had resolved to never lie to anyone ever again about my situation. And online, I have kept that promise. But it is evident to me that I am still lying. Every single day, every person I meet on the outside, whom I greet with my meticulously crafted mask is no different than a lie. I can't bare the lies any more but do not think I possess the strength to endure the constant ridicule and mocking of my transwomen peers that opted to go full time before they could pass. I hate myself for my weakness and just want it all to end.

I told one of my transfriends in WoW of my decision Monday night, May the 8th. I told her it was not a plea for help. I told her it was goodbye. I just wanted to thank her for being my friend. I was ready to bow out. The last day was bewildering. People at the food pantry where I volunteer at would say things to me, but only roughly half of it registered. I was in a daze, overcome with a sense of euphoria at the realization that my pain was at last nearing its end. My perceptions had been distorted... It was almost surreal. I treated my mother to a meal afterwards at a nice sit inside restaurant that I could not possibly afford, where I relayed to her my immense gratitude for all the shit she had endured for my sake, as well as for her love. I always loathed being too poor to take my mother, much less friends, out to lunch. Basic things most take for granted were a rare privilege for me, but just once I wanted to treat her.

I dropped her off, returned home to my apartment and began writing my letter. I loathed myself even more as I did so, with every single word written, with the knowledge that I was about to repay all the love and devotion I had received from my mother with nothing but tears and heart break. But I was just in too much pain to endure any longer. I had folded the paper as neatly as I could and inserted it into the envelope as I heard loud banging on my door. I answered it, and was greeted by two police officers. When they asked if I was "Katie", not yet my legal name, I immediately felt a chill down my spine accompanied with a strong sense of betrayal. They informed me that Blizzard had contacted them with chat logs of my conversation with my friend. They had my address and phone number in my account info and sent the police right to my door. They came in, told me to sit down and to tell them what I was feeling. They were nothing but compassionate, but I resented their presence just the same. I did not want their help, my release was in sight and they would surely deprive me of it.

And they surely did. They took me into custody and drove me in the back of a squad car to Samaritan hospital where I was escorted to the emergency room. Words could not describe my humiliation. By the time I had finished talking to a RN, a therapist and a psychiatrist they all universally agreed on committing me to the mental health ward where I ended up spending an entire week. At the realization that I was not going to talk my way out of it, I grudgingly called my mother and explained the situation. She was in tears upon visiting me. I hated myself so much... She forced me to promise I would never go through with it, and despite my great reluctance, I could not deny her. The medical staff was nothing but kind and understanding. I could appreciate that they only wanted to help me. But they were sorely unequipped to even fully comprehend my problem, much less provide me with a solution. I told the kind nurses and physician assistants that I no longer harbored thoughts of hurting myself and three days later they released me. I got out and it's been business as usual for about a week and a half now. But the problems are still there and they still feel so overwhelming. I Just feel so trapped... But I have resolved to linger, if only to spare my mother the heartbreak of losing me for however long she has left.

But my gosh, I am starved for some ray of legitimate hope. I wish I still had a reason to love life. But now I exist solely for my mother's sake, while I attempt to contemplate the ways in which I will retain my sanity until she passes on someday. I think I need help... But no professionals can understand, no matter how well intentioned. I have never felt so trapped and isolated in my life.
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Bluecast » Sat Jun 03, 2017 10:58 pm

Sonikku. Kelly. Old Friend. I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I can never understand the challenge of being born in the wrong body. I can relate in similar ways in mental health. You don't get people and they don't get you. You feel alone and isolated. I also have a close relationship with my mom. We are basically war buddies on top of being mother and son. I have no idea what I would do when she does pass which could be any day now. We both have struggled with poverty all our lives. We both have been to the point we wanted to end it all and both have spent time in a mental ward. I will say I did get help and you are struggling to find the proper help. I made a video when I still ran a YT channel about suicide after Jew Wario killed himself. Boogie2988 also had struggles with it. It gets to a point you don't know any other kind of feeling and it becomes status quo.

The thing is. While it can be impossible to see now. Things can get better. No not every problem will be solved. You might always struggle with money. I still do. You can make it work. I do get frustrated not having more as even simple things like buying a mop is a huge decision. Then I realize in 2017 as a person in poverty I live better than Kings a hundred years ago with all the modern conveniences we have. Take it from someone just 6 years ago on these very forums wanting to die. Do not curse yourself for you gender. I don't curse myself for having a bad heart or having 3 serious mental issues. It's a daily struggle. It's frustrating. It makes me mad sometimes. You know what else? I would not give them up. They helped lead my sense of humor,my great creative side. Made me stronger...even in times I don't want to be strong. That part of you is difficult and a challenge. It's also led to you being different and offering something different. That's not a bad thing. It took a lot of looking and a lot of asking questions not getting answered within myself and to the world but when I looked long enough I found some. Not all of them but enough. I am a happier person. I still have my personality for better or worse. I still have a long way to go. We need to help you find the right path for your journey. A 1000 mile journey begins with a single step. I am 7 years into mine and maybe only 30 miles in. :P


I'm going to quote something I wrote a couple weeks ago to another member.


An elderly Choctaw Native was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them. "A fight is going on inside me...it is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear,anger,envy,sorry,regret,greed,arrogance,self pity,resentment,inferiority,lies,false pride,superiority and ego. The other wolf stands for joy,love,hope,sharing,serenity,humility,kindness,benevolence,friendship,empathy,generosity,truth,compassion and faith.
This fight is going on inside you, and every other person too"
The children thought for a minute and one child asked his grandfather "which one will win?"
The old Choctawsimply replied..."The one you feed."


Sonikku I say this as a friend and as someone who was in a similar spot. It won't be easy. It may get worse before it gets better but it does get better.
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby shredingskin » Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:12 am

It's a hard thread to respond to, but I'll try anyway, and trying to keep a pragmatist approach.

You seem quite a clever person that can acquire some of the skils that are needed in the developing world. Trying to apply to some writing editorials, even for free, might be a start. While what you wrote feels like purely raw emotion, I think it's a quite engaging reading and you it's something most people don't have (really, I've known various writers). Maybe in your spare time trying to work on some portfolio and trying to make creative stuff to sublimate your anger might be better than just keeping it to yourself.

Also you seem to have a knack for tech, there are a lot of free resources to learn (and your best bet is trying to rely on your creations), you never know what can happen to that (specially in tech, that it's quite an achievement industry). Might seem like running in circles, but at least having certain projects in mind, and pushing anger towards other things beside yourself can be gratifying, and at the end you'll at least have something built.

And really sometimes you just need a lucky hit, if you keep trying there's a chance that one of those seeds will grow. It's hard as fuck, specially when you're on a spiraling mindset, and everyway you rationalize it leads you further the downstairs, and every time you try to walk seems like the glass is just ready to shatter, but it's the only way actually trying to stop it as far as I see it. Some people just need to catch a fucking break, I don't know why (maybe because your writing moved me), but I really think you will get at least one good shot at something.

I really can't relate to your problems, I feel totally the other way around, that even while I wasn't never "bad" to anyone I just prefer to push people away, I had a lot of chances and I wasted them, and to me it's amazing that people actually care enough for your well being. THB there were LOTS of nights that I hoped I would not wake up, and the only thing that kept me from doing anything rash was thinking that it's my only chance and trying to make it better will always be a better outcome than cutting it short.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Let's Get Sweaty » Sun Jun 04, 2017 6:22 am

I'm only going to offer a few words as I don't know you well, but they are honest and I want you to take them seriously.

First of all, legit kudos for having the courage to share your story. I know you felt like you had nothing left to lose, but it can't have been easy putting it all in black and white. Or even black and pink.

I just want to pick up on a couple of comments in particular:

Sonikku wrote:And despite my best efforts, I have been as yet unable to suppress my anxiety and project confidence enough to persuade a single employer that there is a single thing about me that is valuable.


Being overlooked for a job, no matter how many times, certainly does not mean there isn't a single thing about you that is valuable. For all you know, you might have been a close second in almost every application, and what swung it away from your favor could be something trivial, and something different each time. Every recruiter has their own quirky wishlist that makes them tick, and they're not always qualities you'd even be proud to have.

Sonikku wrote:Distractions from my woes in all things Nintendo coupled with living in a fantasy world in World of Warcraft and other games is as sorry an existence as any I can imagine


Do you feel true to yourself when you say this? Do you personally believe that indulging in things that bring you comfort and joy (comfort and joy) is a sorry existence, or are you deferring to societal norms? If it's any more acceptable for people to lose themselves in sports or music or their pets, it's only because artificial constructs tell them so. If you're ever going to learn to love yourself, you'll need to stop apologizing for the things that make you happy. You're occupying your mind and not harming anyone.

That's all I've got right now. It's no quick fix but I think if you take these two points on board it may make the gradual process of turning this ship around - which I believe you have the strength to do - a little less daunting. The world would be a poorer place without you in it, so please don't rob us all of your unique perspective.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby sand4fish » Sun Jun 04, 2017 12:15 pm

I'm not a long time member like many of you, but thanks for sharing your story. Continuing on living solely for the sake of a loved one is not bad at all if you ask me. I certainly did that for a period, but like anything else in this life it was only a phase. if you live long enough, you will eventually find a more firm reason, joyful purpose to continue to do so.

I grew up in a place where I ve watched a childhood friend shot dead in the back over an argument and another acquainted killed on the spot by a thief simply because he refused to hand over his cellphone. I know it's not the same thing with what you are going through, but what I mean is that eventually I managed to move out from such places and on with my life. So will you, and we all here want to hear that triumph story of yours. Be well until then.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Peter » Sun Jun 04, 2017 12:52 pm

Damn Sonikku. Hope you are ok!
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Ash » Sun Jun 04, 2017 1:19 pm

I wish I had some words of wisdom to help, Sonikku, but all I can say from the bottom of my heart is that there are many people here including myself that care for and about you, and we will do everything we can to support you.

If you're comfortable with it, have you considered a Gofundme page or something similar to help raise the $1,800 for the medical transcription course?
Fools set the rules in this world. Just take a look around, it's undeniable.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby sand4fish » Sun Jun 04, 2017 2:17 pm

Like Ash has suggested, I'd get behind a GoFundMe if you are okay with it. I'd help you, though it might not be much.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Bambi » Sun Jun 04, 2017 3:19 pm

As someone above pointed out this is a hard thread to reply to, I definitely understand how you've come to think in the terms you have, life is hard enough, eking out a living is hard enough, living in a body you don't indentify with... I can't even imagine how difficult that is.

I am not qualified to give you any advice, I just wanted to reply saying how I'm glad you were stopped and that I really hope things improve for you. Ash has suggested some crowd funding, I know you may be uncomfortable with the idea but I think you should give your consent, I would gladly donate.


Let's Get Sweaty wrote:Being overlooked for a job, no matter how many times, certainly does not mean there isn't a single thing about you that is valuable.

This is one part of the post I can definitely relate to, my first job was waiting tables and I was let go after a couple of weeks, I then struggled to find another job for years. Looking back I see things the way you do but at the time it made me feel worthless and ashamed. I remember thinking I would never get a good job if I couldn't even cut it as waiter, it's very flawed reasoning but it really dented my confidence and kept me trapped in a vicious cycle for a long time when it came to job interviews.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Henry Spencer » Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:01 pm

I'm so sorry to hear your story (I read every last word). I can't give a long speech that will inspire you, depression is no joke, especially not coupled with anxiety and being unemployed only makes your predicament harder on top, I know since I've been there myself (and working soul sucking jobs with no positive future in sight). I won't say the usual spiel of "things will get better right away" and that others have been in similar circumstances or some such, since some times we need a reality check. I went through a very bad spot myself for a few years of having no friends, no relationship/lonely, crappy jobs with terrible pay, no purpose, no life. Basically at an all time low, cynical and hated everything. The sense of alienation was overwhelming, eventually developing into complete social anxiety and being a shut in. This only came to pass once I changed careers and took some chances that thankfully paid off for me (admittedly through sheer luck) and taking the initiative and making new friends (which was basically joining clubs, going to music events, rejoining Facebook (and reconnecting with old friends on there) and inviting online friends that I had met on forums out). Sometimes making changes in your life pays dividends, but it wasn't like I didn't get some setbacks when I tried those things I just mentioned and didn't work out which got me down even more but I felt the need to keep trying until I got somewhere to improve my social life. It was a long journey though and I think you can do it, believe in yourself again. You can do it. Get that job, make those changes in your life that you want. Even if you think you can't, just do it anyway. You've been trying to for this long, there's nothing to lose. Your mother clearly cares for you and loves you a lot.

I've lost too many friends to suicide, illness, incidents and freak accidents these past few years. Far too many. It's really up to the rest of us to say that you matter, since you do. Be strong as you have been these past four and half years, I know we've never met in person yet and don't know each other that well but you are considered a friend of mine that I would be sad to lose. I'll reinstate it: you can do it. You're a strong person and will always be a strong person, you're not weak. Stay safe, Sonikku and all the best to you. :nice!:

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby KiBa » Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:11 pm

Sonikku, you've been a good friend to me and I know to so many other people. Thank Christ for Blizzard. Don't ever ever ever lose hope again, and don't feel embarrassed -- everyone needs help at some point. I have. Life is brutal, but I know it's worth it. Around this time last month I was going to write a long PM hello to you via the Dojo because I hadn't talked to you in a while, but I put off finishing it. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, but when you were at your darkest, there were definitely people all over the world who care about you. I want to talk later.
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Bluecast » Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:29 pm

You see Sonikku.I lov....WE love Sonniku! ;-)
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Yukupo » Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:35 pm

Hey Katie, I know we haven't talked in quite a while but I'm always here if you need to talk. You're my friend and I really hope you feel better!
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Ziming » Mon Jun 05, 2017 2:15 am

Had Blizzard not intervened that day I would of been very upset and sad. You are among a few in this community who's into similar interests as me in like TV/PC tech, video games, and anime. If I recall correctly we both purchased the same model Infocus X1 projector years ago and that's because we saw eye to eye in such topics. Remember you unselfishly gave away your signed game of Shenmue to LanDC because we both agreed he did a lot for the community. I'm ashamed to say I had long forgotten about your generosity during the early days of the dojo. This is why without no hesitation I gave you a very unique Shenmue vinyl signed twice by Yu Suzuki.

There was also that time when I recommended that strange movie called "Ricki-oh" which we both thought was hilariously cheesy. You told me that you showcased it to fellow students at the college you were attending. I was actually elated to find out others felt the same way as we did for the film. I'm sure many members here have had similar memories like this with you. If a website like Gofundme can help your current situation I'm 100% all for it.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Amihama0468 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 9:31 am

Sonikku, I sent you a PM. Hope you feel better soon!

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