Blizzard has Sonikku committed

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Mr. Frozen » Mon Jun 05, 2017 4:24 pm

I can completely relate to your feelings of depression and suicide. I can only imagine how tough it must be to feel like you were born in the wrong body, but I can totally empathize with your feelings of isolation and no sense of belonging. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss professional help because they cannot relate to your individual problems. I have met way too many people who ended their lives after rejecting treatment because they felt that no one could understand them. That is exactly what they are trained to do, to help people who feel that they are not normal. Hell, maybe they even help fast-track gender reassignment surgery considering that is valid treatment for someone who is experiencing the feelings you described in your post.

I wish I could say more, but I was never good at these type of things. Just want to know that I do care and seriously do hope that you find a way towards happiness. It is pretty hard to find your way in life when it feels like you are the only one walking that path, but I do encourage you to stay in there. I'm still trying to figure out if things will ever get better, but things sure as hell can't get better if you are dead.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby ys » Mon Jun 05, 2017 8:50 pm

That's a brutally honest post. The body issue must be very tough on top of the rest. Or rather intertwined. It takes a lot of courage to write that. Now, I won't try to give "advice" since I'm not that good at it and I know that it can come across as cliche which isn't very helpful in the end. Especially when the one giving advice is partly similar. In my case, a lot didn't go as planned either. Some of it bad luck or not getting breaks despite trying. Then you see a friend who rolls into the next good thing without trying. Now, I was always more on the somber side but these events made it worse. To the point where such thoughts arise almost daily certain periods. For example, when Shenmue 3 got announced I wrote that I now was forced to stick around longer ;) I was only half joking actually. But I kind of learned to live with it. Medication didn't help (probably too ingrained in my character) and when I chatted with a volunteer, he got depressed himself when I mentioned harsh realities of life :P So it seemed better to promise myself not to go too far because of others, accept the thoughts and "let them flow". Though sometimes things feel "crushing" but I try to ignore it. Maybe that's some unintended advice anyway?

By the way, I remember that there was a thread about depression before and it surprised me how many people reacted there. Some I didn't expect it from at all. I think that I mentioned that it seems to be more common than people think.
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby mrandyk » Mon Jun 05, 2017 8:53 pm

We don't know each other, but just reading your well written post suggests that you are an intelligent individual who must be good at something and able to contribute to employers. I can't even begin to relate to the isolation and anxiety you are experiencing. All I have to offer is an assurance that you aren't worthless. Stay determined and find those first steps towards the life you desire.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby MiTT3NZ » Mon Jun 05, 2017 9:29 pm

Woah, that's pretty mint. A video game company gave a shit, the police gave a shit, the people at the mental home gave a shit... I've got no nice words when it comes to suicide, lost a number of people through it, but that is a genuinely top thing that happened.

Obviously it's shite what you're goin through and there's fuck all I can say that'll make you turn round and go "Y'know what, life is amazing, in't it?" but just think about that chain... the number of people involved in makin sure you didn't go through with it. You weren't some suit stood on a bridge, a bell end with a gun to his head in a public place, some little emo git with a blade to his wrist in front of the bird who just broke up with him... it's just pretty amazing, and in a strange way one of the nicest things I've heard in ages.

Hope you get your head sorted though and find the hope n happiness you're lookin for.
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby myshtuff » Mon Jun 05, 2017 10:30 pm

Sonikku,

I sincerely hope you do well and remember that people will always be there to support you. I've been a member here for years and even though I haven't spoken to you in depth by any means, I have​ always enjoyed your posts as has everyone else. That alone makes you valuable. You life, while hard and filled with challenges, is worth living. Also, don't be afraid to keep asking for help. It sounds like you've been trying to get work in the medical field perhaps. If so, please PM me. I'm an engineer at Johnson and Johnson and while I cannot guarantee you a job as I'm not a manager, I can keep an eye out for opportunities and put your name in for internal referrals across all of J&J. No pressure though. Do what makes you happy.

Take care and please please please get better. At the very least, PM me your address. I'll order you a pizza. Noone can be sad eating a pizza. :)

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby UnHoly Bible » Tue Jun 06, 2017 12:37 am

I can't identify with your specific experience, but as someone who has hit bottom with alcohol related issues and ended up with nothing left materially and emotionally, and hearing from countless other people's experiences with chronic malaise, it's pretty much how Bluecast put it. Finding out areas in my life where I'm feeding that first wolf, so to speak, the resentments, fears, and anger,the need to satisfy the ego, and having a real dialogue with myself and others about these things, begins to make them start to fade. I can't say everything gets euphoric and amazing, but shit gets better for sure, and the world starts to open up again. I hope you find your place in the world, it's waiting for you somewhere.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Brothaman » Sat Jun 10, 2017 1:59 pm

I was just expecting an amusing confession about an addition to Overwatch, after reading the post title. I’m sorry life has been unfair to you, I can relate somewhat. The last few years in college where pretty brutal at times, especially while trying to work part time. I still remember I had a complete anxiety attack before the exams, crying and convulsive shaking in bed, etc. Luckily, I had great support from my family, and was able to get through it (taking L-theanine helped too). My thoughts and prayers to you, may you find peace and purpose in your life.
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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Spokane » Fri Jun 16, 2017 1:05 am

So I am about to drop a giant fucking bomb.

I don't even know that it would make you feel better or not.

I don't care if it makes me gay. But in fact I don't think it does.

I like trans women and would marry one regardless of if they had the surgery or not. I don't care.

You didn't chose what body you were put in. I still feel as if it is a woman who loves me back if I were to be with one.

This post is over simplified probably.

The bottom line is....... your one of the reasons I came back here. I sympathize with you. And I would want to be with you as I would with any other woman.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby Sonikku » Sun Aug 13, 2017 1:39 pm

Bit of an update. :) Going to New York City for the first time in my life tomorrow for a consultation with Dr Jess Ting for SRS. I'm feeling equal parts excitement and anxiousness right now, tempered by caution on account of the countless seemingly promising opportunities to move forward with transition that have always ended up falling through up to this point.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby myshtuff » Sun Aug 13, 2017 8:15 pm

Sonikku wrote: Bit of an update. :) Going to New York City for the first time in my life tomorrow for a consultation with Dr Jess Ting for SRS. I'm feeling equal parts excitement and anxiousness right now, tempered by caution on account of the countless seemingly promising opportunities to move forward with transition that have always ended up falling through up to this point.


Good luck! Also enjoy some good food while you're there. :P

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby sand4fish » Sun Aug 13, 2017 11:44 pm

Good luck. But whatever the outcome may be, you get to enjoy New York.

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Re: Blizzard has Sonikku committed

Postby mue 26 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:33 pm

It's been a fair while since I've been around this forum much, so you may not remember me, Sonikku. But I just want to say that you are one member of the Dojo that really left an impression on me, a very positive one. Quite a few of your posts back in the day (well, a few years ago maybe?) genuinely moved me greatly, for example your story of your first love which you experienced through World of Warcraft. But more than that, many of the things you posted relating to your outlook on life really resonated with me, and have honestly stuck with me to this day. And you've always come across as an incredibly kind individual, which is a rare thing indeed. I really, honestly, cannot express to you just how much value I believe you possess.

But I do understand it, how this world can make gentle souls who don't toe the line feel worthless and on the fringes. I've seen so many of the greatest people I know go through extra struggles due to not cowing to the bullshit of society, but you can make it through, things do get better. And I agree with all of what Bluecast said (hey Bluecast, glad to hear you're doing alright :)).

I can even relate a little to your dissatisfaction with your body. I've been struggling with Body Dysmorphia for a long time, and actually, a lot of my dissatisfaction does stem from my belief that my face has an excess of 'manliness', which I detest and can't tally to my personality. I know it's different to what you've been going through, but I really can relate to the feeling of not being able to identify with your own body and how hard that is.

Also want to agree with LGS, Online games and Nintendo are brilliant hobbies! Many of the most incredible people I know have the very same passions as you! They should not be a source of shame. My main way to spend free time, is to go to cafes alone and write embarrassingly bad poetry (some of which I used to post on the old TeamYu forum, so LGS can attest to the crappiness of them). I sometimes think it's a bit of a lame way to spend me time, and worry the cafe staff think I'm some sad weirdo, and the bible thick wad of various coffee shop stamp cards I carry next to my heart like a bible is one of my greatest shames. But then I think, at least I'm not fox hunting or dogging.

And Bluecast is so right, you're struggles have given you such a precious insight that others won't ever have, not unless people like you can enlighten them. I feel my own struggles have given me a certain sense of humour and enabled me to have created things I couldn't ever have without having gone through all that stuff.

So please, don't let unemployment discourage you (I'm going on 28 years unemployed myself! Honestly! haha, can I reach 30 without ever having worked? it's getting hard...) all that stuff is bullshit. And I'm sure if you keep striving you'll be able to get the surgery you want eventually, you're still young!

So please, don't rob the world of your special self :)
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