It's been a fair while since I've been around this forum much, so you may not remember me, Sonikku. But I just want to say that you are one member of the Dojo that really left an impression on me, a very positive one. Quite a few of your posts back in the day (well, a few years ago maybe?) genuinely moved me greatly, for example your story of your first love which you experienced through World of Warcraft. But more than that, many of the things you posted relating to your outlook on life really resonated with me, and have honestly stuck with me to this day. And you've always come across as an incredibly kind individual, which is a rare thing indeed. I really, honestly, cannot express to you just how much value I believe you possess.
But I do understand it, how this world can make gentle souls who don't toe the line feel worthless and on the fringes. I've seen so many of the greatest people I know go through extra struggles due to not cowing to the bullshit of society, but you can make it through, things do get better. And I agree with all of what Bluecast said (hey Bluecast, glad to hear you're doing alright
).
I can even relate a little to your dissatisfaction with your body. I've been struggling with Body Dysmorphia for a long time, and actually, a lot of my dissatisfaction does stem from my belief that my face has an excess of 'manliness', which I detest and can't tally to my personality. I know it's different to what you've been going through, but I really can relate to the feeling of not being able to identify with your own body and how hard that is.
Also want to agree with LGS, Online games and Nintendo are brilliant hobbies! Many of the most incredible people I know have the very same passions as you! They should not be a source of shame. My main way to spend free time, is to go to cafes alone and write embarrassingly bad poetry (some of which I used to post on the old TeamYu forum, so LGS can attest to the crappiness of them). I sometimes think it's a bit of a lame way to spend me time, and worry the cafe staff think I'm some sad weirdo, and the bible thick wad of various coffee shop stamp cards I carry next to my heart like a bible is one of my greatest shames. But then I think, at least I'm not fox hunting or dogging.
And Bluecast is so right, you're struggles have given you such a precious insight that others won't ever have, not unless people like you can enlighten them. I feel my own struggles have given me a certain sense of humour and enabled me to have created things I couldn't ever have without having gone through all that stuff.
So please, don't let unemployment discourage you (I'm going on 28 years unemployed myself! Honestly! haha, can I reach 30 without ever having worked? it's getting hard...) all that stuff is bullshit. And I'm sure if you keep striving you'll be able to get the surgery you want eventually, you're still young!
So please, don't rob the world of your special self