Greetings, Shenmue Dojo.
It seems it's that time again...
I delayed it. I did.
In all honesty I don't know how I was able to freeze the clock at two minutes to midnight for aslong as I did.
But you can't run forever.
Not forever.
Not when you're going nowhere.
Yes, I am fully aware how pathetic it is to share such things in a internet forum. It always reeks of lameness and attention seeking.
I don't have anywhere else to leave such thoughts and such feelings, so please bear with me. Ignore it. Delete it if you must.
Let this be my confession, my testament, my writing on the wall...
Tomorrow I lose everything I have, again.
Everything I haven't lost yet, I mean.
A home, the worthless 'job' I had (that still payed part of the expenses), a couple of friends (the few true ones I have), my few belongings and yes, the few precious videogames and the one console I have at present.
300 euros late on the rent will turn to 500 euros late in the next two weeks.
All the money I have sums not even 40 euros.
I have nowhere to go.
Not family, not friends.
My girlfriend is heartbroken but I'm already owing her 200 euros and she just can't help me more.
My landlord is the only friend I have that would give me a hand in times of need. Yes, that's the same landlord I'm already owing 300 eur...
I just can't find more excuses to keep delaying the end of the world...
For the last couple of weeks I have been lying to everyone about still being working on the coffee where I was working for a while. I was sent away in the begging of the month but I just couldn't face the consequences of that happening when it did. I have been lying to everybody about it, namely my girlfriend and my landlord, hoping I could get a job elsewhere or get the rent money I owe some other way.
I delayed the payment time and again, and again and again, but the shame and the guilt have grown too big and my landlords' pacience as long been lost.
Plus I have no perspectives at all.
I have been delivering some resumés here and there, knocking on some doors but nothing.
Every time I look at the newspaper Portugal is deeper in the gutter. We will be the new Greece soon enough.
Ever since I turned 18 I have lacked any type of support or structure, if you know what I mean.
After being homeless for about 3 years, I have been taking precarious jobs or odd jobs, being paid under the table, because for one, I didn't had the time nor resources to look and conquer proper ones, but also because I have a huge void inside myself for aslong as I can remember that paralyses me with fear, that leads me to keep running away, running away from things I can't even name most of the time. I guess I'm talking about my past, my history, my parents, myself, fear of failure, I don't know...
I hope that I can one day repay the few people that have helped me, namely my girlfriend and that friend of mine that is currently my landlord.
I hope they will not think ill of me, I hope they don't think I'm a lier, even if I lied to them.
This is the most important thing for me right now. The only that truly matters.
I don't have a clue about what the day after tomorrow will bring for me but I hope that one day I will be able to rise again, I hope I somehow will truly find myself and conquer a chance at redemption.
I hope I will be able to get back here and have a good time with you lot.
I raise my glass for you, my friends.
I thank you for all the entertainment, all the enlightment, all the laughs.
Even when you can't get along with each other, never stop being a brotherhood.
There's nothing worse than being alone.
Cheers, everybody.
I hope I can see you around.
Your good hearted Loki,
Carlos
